Parent-teacher-student conferences

About a week after the Ike aftermath/runaway/impromptu fall break was over, Vincent and I had parent-teacher-student conferences scheduled with his half a dozen teachers. One of his teachers had also suggested we all meet together, and so early on during this day off from school we also met in a conference room with five of Vincent’s six teachers and the new high school guidance counselor. This 25-minute session – plus meetings later in the morning with a couple of the teachers who hadn’t gotten to say much (paperwork from which is pictured above and far below) – were pretty extraordinary in a way – although they also included some potentially fatal bad information.

A majority of teachers in the meeting were teaching Vincent for the second, third, or fourth year. Several of them know Vincent very well – and have seen different sides of him. The two of them Vincent had as teachers going back to ninth grade were Becky, who had pushed us last spring to look at private colleges for Vincent, and Mary, who had written Vincent a wonderful letter of recommendation that helped make him one of the Brown School’s two nominees for the KY Governor’s Scholar’s program/competition 1 ½ years ago.

By the time of the meeting, we had figured that Vincent was failing four of his seven classes – including the all-important Advanced Placement Senior English class. Passing senior English is a requirement for graduating. In this and other meetings, we had agreed that Vincent taking a number of hard classes, taking an additional class because he wasn’t taking a Senior Seminar, and the school’s shift to block scheduling in which students take an additional class or two and have no class every day were all parts of the problem. But this was just the start. At this point I went into none of the runaway/child out of control stuff, although it’s possible Vincent had shared this (or his version of it) with some of his teachers or classmates.

Given that most of these teachers like Vincent and think he’s very smart and yet were becoming increasingly aware that the academic problems he was having in their classes were not isolated, the big group meeting had the tone of an ‘intervention” family members might set up to confront a family member about, for example, alcoholism. Perhaps the teachers and I were not that hard on Vincent – and Vincent for the most part took this somewhat in stride. Vincent stressed that he wanted his freedom, but the teachers stressed that this was illusory. Teachers’ opinions ranged somewhat – Vincent’s social studies teacher, with whom I’d already clashed, stressed that this was all up to Vincent (remember she’s the one that had stressed that Vincent didn’t need to pass her classes to graduate). Vincent had seemed to despise a couple of his teachers for being willing to cut him some slack and let him turn some things in late, but these two came late and we talked with them more later. Vincent’s English teacher stressed that senior English was the class he really needed to pass (both fall and spring semester, plus making up a social studies class we had just learned he failed last spring). Earlier in the morning this teacher had also mentioned to me that a relatively extreme option was that Vincent could “transfer” spring semester to Jefferson County High School (now a virtual school), which essentially meant taking more on-line classes like he started a couple of years ago both when he failed classes and for math standardized test preparation.

Some of these discussions continued in the three-way meetings, with Vincent’s French and math teachers. It was pretty clear Vincent had been doing almost no homework in some of his classes, in some cases not even in-class work, and had been flunking lots of tests. Vincent’s French teacher said he frustrated her in part because he reminded her a little of herself at the same age.

All in all – it was a pretty extraordinary meeting/set of meetings with some pretty extraordinary women – women who know Vincent well and care a lot about him (see also “Open house”).

One major mistake these teachers and Pam, the guidance counselor, made was something that bugged me they stressed so much to Vincent even if it were true. The argument that Vincent only needed to make up spring semester social studies and pass a year of senior English turned out NOT TO BE TRUE. In subsequent meetings, it became clear that Vincent also needs credits. It is true that he doesn’t have to pass ANY PARTICULAR class – except for those three – but he does have to pass SEVERAL classes, whatever classes they are. It seems to me that Vincent internalized the message the teacher communicated that it really didn’t matter if he passed most of his classes – and so he hasn’t. Back on this parent-teacher-student conference day, Vincent was passing his two social studies classes (Advanced Placement psychology and sociology) and journalism, his easiest class (somewhat ironic given my sociology and journalism background). This is what happened next:

Vincent, it appears, shaped up a little for a couple of weeks. You’ll recall also that part of the agreement with Vincent and Aaron was that we’d get weekly updates from teachers. Vincent never came close to implementing any of that – but I did try hard to keep a little more abreast of Vincent’s school work and we did try to get him to do more of it. But soon after the Danish exchange students arrived, Vincent apparently quit doing homework and studying again. For one thing, we ended having to rely on him ultimately, because he would for example say that what appeared to be math homework he’d already done in class, or it was optional – or such usually incorrect information – or he wouldn’t have brought home a textbook because, he said, he didn’t have any reading. Only a couple of his teachers gave him – I went back to checking his bag pretty much every night – anything close to weekly syllabi. It also didn’t help that the school is so poor that in two of his classes the teacher only has ONE COPY TOTAL of the textbook (students don’t have the book).

Pretty soon after the Danish exchange students arrived, Vincent also went back to being almost impossible to schedule. He came and went as he pleased which means we couldn’t ask him to do homework before going out. There were a few particular hangouts – people’s houses, a coffee shop, other places we probably didn’t know about – that Vincent, some of the exchange students, some of the hosts, and other hangers on – hung out at – but at almost none of these were they doing homework. Supposedly the Danish students had more homework this time, but I’ve never seen them do any. Also, part of what they were supposed to do in Louisville was to brush up on their English, and by hanging out with U.S. students they were doing some of that. But that didn’t help the Americans.

One thing I did work on hard with Vincent in early October – even with the Danes here – was getting him to do some reading for his Senior English class/senior project. For his project, he was supposedly volunteering at the local library, collecting books for the library, and raising money to put together a cross-high school literary publication (with submissions from people in different high schools). You’ll recall that he did a little volunteering in the summer and has volunteered once this fall. He started out working a little on the book collection and literary magazine. But writing the research/reflection paper that was to form a crucial part of that seemed to be particularly pressing. I worked with him to pick and find some books, articles, and chapters – some of them interesting-looking – on young people, reading, and – to a lesser extent – writing too. He started out reading some of these and then writing outlines – but – by the end – when he was racing to be able to leave – he’d do ridiculous things like supposedly read a book in 20 minutes and write an outline (let’s just say he was no doubt skimming a little). He was also supposed to be outlining chapters from his science and psychology textbooks, which we got him to do occasionally. Eventually, I also wrote questions – mainly multiple-choice and true-false – on his science chapters – he’s quit bringing home the psychology textbook – and on one of these chapters he actually earned a C on the chapter text. But even though he ended taking notes on five books and articles each for English, by the end of the second sixth weeks, it turns out he was still failing English badly – in fact, said his teacher, worse than any senior at Brown she remembers ever teaching. Also, whatever little push we had done in math, French (I also got him to do some verb conjugation exercises that I made up by buying and delving into a French verb book – this is something he had scored badly on some of the quizzes), science, and psychology were just a drop in the bucket. There was too much work he still wasn’t doing and were too many tests he was still failing.

Vincent was also staying out late with the Danes. On one of their last weekends here Vincent persuaded me to let him stay overnight at the home of the family that was hosting his Danish host from June – which was an error on my part – because instead of coming home early to go to bed the next night (the original policy was no sleepovers unless he had the whole next 24 hours to stay home and sleep), he ignored us and went to a movie we wouldn’t have let him go to and – after another conversation with a police officer – figured out where he was and picked him up at the movie theater. (We’d called and talked with the police several times and each officer told us something different – but the officer who came out after Vincent declined to come home and skip the movie made it clear that he had experience with the county’s incorrigible teen policy and he said eventually involves setting up a bunch of mediation meetings and no teeth for a long time – Ultimately, he said, don’t call us unless your kid has really been gone for a day or two – and don’t bother with the incorrigible teen process (he didn’t mention taking Vincent to Nebraska) – just wait until he turns 18 to kick him out.) The next week after the Danes had left, Vincent and I also went to a couple of family events and gone home late. All of this contributed to Vincent getting a cough and then after several weeks finally getting sicker and missing three days of school – with the ridiculous third fall break they got for Election Eve and Election Day – he was out again for nine days. This put him further behind in school work – you might recall that at the Open House Vincent’s science teacher had said emphatically: “You cannot miss any more school.”

Vincent had also gotten stuck – in the abstract – doing more housework. In addition to the raking that accumulating leaves was pressing him to do and the usual chores, Vincent had finally complained one too many times about how we always ask him to do stuff and never do anything for him that Stephanie asked him to start washing his own clothes – all of the dirty clothes each weekend like we do. Vincent had occasionally also complained when we didn’t do his day-old laundry immediately and he also complained when I “rotated” his laundry by inserting T-shirts or other clothes items that he hadn’t worn recently or tried to get him not to wear only black T-shirts when it was in the 90s outside. We also in principle paid him an allowance for doing his chores. Increasingly, he hadn’t been keeping up with raking, chores, or laundry. It’s been easy for me to continue rotating his clothes because, if he gets that far, he usually doesn’t get them out of the dryer (he’s usually long gone by that point) and so I end up folding and hanging some of them up and – in the process – go ahead and rotate them.

At some point in here I heard from several of Vincent’s teachers that he had quit doing his homework again – this is why we didn’t end up taking him to another anime convention – this one in KY south of Cincinnati, which we’d gone to last year – and I also stopped in to see the guidance counselor, who gave me some more information about Vincent’s options. Vincent could transfer to the “e-school” Jefferson County High School and take the three required classes and probably half a dozen classes he’d need to earn enough credits to graduate. Brown currently has only one high school student going “co-op” taking several classes and working for pay also (but Vincent might now need too many credits to do this – plus I don’t think he could take several classes and work part-time and still pass his classes.). At that point, I was still asking whether Vincent could just go to school part-time (she said No – the people we think are doing this are also taking some classes down the street at the community college where Vincent went in summer 2005) – (this is now irrelevant because Vincent will need too many credits now). Pam has also now said that Vincent could “repeat” 12th grade but he’d probably have to do this elsewhere because he GPA has sunk too low to stay at Brown next year.

By early November the second sixth weeks was ending. That weekend we had received a note from Vincent’s English teacher that - even with the senior project research paper reading notes he’d apparently turned in on time – he was still failing senior English – in fact, worse than before. On a mid-week day I stopped in to find that Vincent was now failing both of his social studies classes (apparently in part because he wasn’t outlining his psychology textbook chapters and because he’s missed papers partly while he was out sick and hadn’t arranged to make this up – I know he’d read the 1,200-page Stephen King book that sociology students were to read). After school Vincent and I – and, later, just me – met with Pam and Becky, the English teacher. Pam printed off a second sixth week’s report card which confirmed what we already suspected – Vincent was failing six of seven class, all but the (easy) Journalism class. Vincent and we went back and forth some – Vincent said this was all up to him – wasn’t his Mom and my business – I said it was all of our business – and also saying that if he has to leave Brown he wants to drop out of school, go to Ohio, and work as a mover with his father. This is the first time I’d heard him say some of this – when earlier we’d talked about him possibly going to Ohio he said he’d rather stay in KY (where his friends are). Also – when he was mad once or twice he’d talked about wanting to drop out (once – right after the Danes left – when he was sad about this and we were trying to get him to do some work.)

(Keep in mind that Stephanie and I spent probably $50,000 and a good 10 years of her life - to keep Vincent from living with his father and we know – at least in the medium run – he won’t be able to go to college and possibly we won’t see him much if he goes up there – but at times we wonder if that might be the best for him, since we’re not terribly inclined to sign off on him dropping out of school. And if he transfers to the e-school but then does no work, because he wants to drop out, but just sits at home and sleeps, reads, watches TV, instant-messages, and talks on the phone, until his friends get out of school (not counting the ones who have already dropped out or graduated) and then goes out with them – that’s not so great – we wouldn’t even get the baby-sitting service of the school (and whatever learning Vincent is doing that is giving him 40 or 50 percent averages in many of his classes instead of 0 averages). (One of Vincent’s friends is apparently joining the military, and very recently Vincent mused about that, although I personally think Vincent would not last very long in the military, and a big reason why Vincent said he might consider the military – even though he can be militantly anti-U.S. – is so that he can kill people, which doesn’t seem so great to me.)

(I sometimes consider cutting Vincent some slack for two reasons: him going to visit friends all the time is not something totally different than what he used to do when he was younger – except they were neighbors, we knew where he was, and he didn’t necessarily have a lot of homework and housework left undone – plus I know this is the first time in years he’s gotten to stay at the same place for more than a year or two – and that accounts in part for his excitement about spending a good part of his senior year socializing – BUT many of his friends from his first 2-3 years at Brown he is no longer close to – he’s suddenly gone cold turkey on church, but now hangs out with a kid ostensibly from church who he never liked before who has already dropped out and is in fact over winter break going to live with his father (in this case – in California). He also hangs out with some Danish exchange student hosts and hangers on – some of them sophomores and juniors who apparently don’t have much school work or aren’t doing it – and, in another case, a Brown graduate (who did manage to graduate).)

(We took Vincent to those colleges in part to inspire/motivate him to work some at school, but this obviously didn’t work. Colleges are still contacting him, but it’s obviously a waste of time for him to apply for an Honors college (even though he has the ACT scores to get into) or for academic scholarships and even if he stays at Brown I don’t think I’ll waste his or our time or money getting him to apply to any colleges at least until after the New Year.)

But back to the key story. Vincent’s English teacher – at that meeting – laid out a scenario in which he could pass her class – both by completing the work that was already due between then and the end of the year, and completing and turning in a bunch of past due work – most he’ll still fail if he turns it in, but he’ll earn 40s and 50s instead of 0’s – which could help him pass. Vincent actually hedged about this, saying he didn’t really want charity – didn’t want to give him just half credit for late work – but then he said he’d do it. After Vincent rushed off, Becky suggested two other things. Becky said she would e-mail me the same list she would give to Vincent later that week – but she asked me to do one other thing. Having observed Vincent and me at the meeting (she and Pam said Vincent can be very sweet and first they said they don’t recognize this (really just – for him – slightly sullen, slightly argumentative persona) mad Vincent – when I said this was nothing compared with what we see at home – then Becky said – No, I’ve seen Vincent really mad), Becky – who like us – hinted that she feared Vincent was partly failing just to spite us – and Becky and Pam also believed that we might need to let Vincent fail – so he can learn his own lessons (something Stephanie had mused about too – whereas I thought responsible parents would let their kids go out on the town knowing they had lots of school work to make up if they were going to pass any of their classes) – suggested that she give Vincent that list and then we should let him decide whether he wants to do any of that or any work for his other classes over the last month of fall semester. If he worked hard, he’ll pass some classes. If he doesn’t work hard, he’ll probably just pass Journalism – and may be on his way to Ohio. Several days later I got an e-mail message, as promised, from Becky, with the list of projects Vincent could make up.
Two ways in which Bekcy’s pitch was a God-send: Vincent and I had really been clashing and – in practice – her pitch became something more like letting Vincent do anything he wanted – Vincent has only been doing his chores, laundry, or yard work episodically. Also, making up even two science exercises for Vincent – even though I didn’t mind doing it – it helped that environmental science is somewhat interesting – I read a better explanation for a coral reef than I could find when I was doing my Florida book – was pretty time-consuming – and would be more so if I was also trying to outline Vincent’s psychology book.

Vincent and I have gotten along much better now that I don’t try to get him to do much homework and chores. In practice, Vincent has gone out just about every night he could squeeze into – although we’ve also slipped in several family trips that we’ve talked him into that have taken a little bit of time up.

Thanksgiving break was the final D-Day. We spent about 36 hours away, but otherwise Vincent had Tuesday evening and all day Wednesday, Saturday, and Sunday to work. He cleaned his room for a few minutes, started his laundry, Saturday worked for about an hour apparently on an English essay, and Sunday for a similar amount of time. He spent two or three minutes starting science homework he has Wednesday. I think this means he’s trying to keep up only with current English homework – not counting the big senior project research paper draft due at the end of the week, which I don’t think he’s started – and has during the past three weeks only done two or three of the nine past due English assignments Becky asked him to do.

We’ll have to figure out what kind of options we want to give Vincent at the end of the semester, since it seems obvious that he will fail all but Journalism, including the required English class (in the area he said he wanted to study – bizarrely, over Thanksgiving, he wouldn’t tell someone in TN a prospective major – but he did mention Wittenberg, an OH school that had fallen off my radar because he said he didn’t want to go there. Of course, it’s preposterous now that he could get in or we could afford it). I personally want to give him a choice – either make up the two classes during winter break, working hard and staying here instead of going to see his father in OH, and take and pass the two final exams by the first day of spring semester (after school) and stay in Brown if they’ll let you – or just finish the World History class before going to OH and come back and shift to Jefferson County High School and take the three required classes and other electives to earn enough credits to graduate early (before his birthday) (but there is no commencement at JCHS) and then get a job.

But it’s ultimately up to Stephanie (Stephanie, whom I somewhat unintentionally goaded into violating the spirit of Becky’s pitch and bugging Vincent a little about his work). I’ve only barely started looking into the OH option. There has to be an official custody change order if Vincent is to transfer to Groveport-Madison (OH) High School – but that’s not really the idea – but to protect Stephanie from any liability – and to protect her teaching license – we’d probably need to figure out how to accomplish this. I’d want to find out if we’d need a lawyer (ironically, we’re just finishing paying off the lawyer who represented Stephanie at the 1999 custody trial) and whether we’d have to suffer the indignities of paying child support for 4-5 months (even though Vincent’s father owes Stephanie thousands of dollars of back child support, having only paid $25 in the last four years) and the court appointing Vincent a guardian ad litem (see “Blast from the past”).

Ultimately, Stephanie may decide that it’s worth it to keep Vincent here with us and supervised to let him keep going to Brown – if they’ll permit it – even if there’s almost no way he’ll graduate and it’s even unlikely pass very many of his classes. The fact that Vincent is doing little work at home and is still being obnoxious even though he pretty much does whatever he wants makes me wonder about this option. But it’s up to her. What happens in April or June – if Vincent is still here despite him saying he wants to be gone immediately and we’re no longer legally required to look out for him – if he’s given up trying to graduate or going to high school, doesn’t necessarily have a job, is doing little around the house, and saying things like “Get the f[deleted] out of my way!” when he runs into us – could become more of sticking point between Stephanie and me.

P.S. Even though Vincent and I have been getting along better, in the back of my mind I don’t forget that – the way he’s been acting – he cares so little about his future and about staying in Louisville with us that he won’t even do a modest amount of work to make it so he can graduate from high school and unambiguously stay here with us – and this is a little irritating/sobering.





-- Perry